A Royal Flush
* * *
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
The sunlight intrudes on our feed as the door swings open from the production building. Immediately in front of us, we see the MxM "Movie" Trailer, but... larger...
Much larger.
It grinds along the blacktop pavement on the ground, its wheels rolling along as our feed turns to show the look of astonishment on the faces of Miss Sarah, Valeah, Karla Love, Andy V., Napalm, Regina Parish, CJ Davenport and even Mufasa. In that crowd, we see Ripplemagne standing up right as though he were a salesman.
Suddenly, we hear Miss Sarah's voice echo throughout the entire parking lot. She steps forward in a full body cat suit and gloves, while she laments at Ripplemagne...
Miss Sarah:
"What the Hell is this?!"
Next, we hear from Ripplemagne as everyone side steps away from him to avoid Miss Sarah's wrath...
Ripplemagne:
"Behold! The new and improved MxM+ trailer. Emphasis on the sexy little plus found after the M. It now contains six bedrooms."
Miss Sarah:
"Why?!"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, after having your ovary horn blow at me for the last two weeks, the Ripplemagne got his sippy cup and sat in his thinking chair to think... think... think~! And he deduced a rather unproblematic solution to that dreadful little quandary of you being a festering pain in his marvelous gluteous maximus. And lo and behold... an extension to the trailer."
From off camera, we hear Valeah speak, causing the camera to shift over to her and back over to Miss Sarah and Ripplemagne when she finishes...
Valeah:
"How did you afford this?"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, the Ripplemagne was going to use his birthday savings on this venture, but it seems that a fair quartet of wimmenz went the cheap route and touched him in inappropriate places for his birthday instead. So, I got a hold of the royalties Napalm was supposed to get for being tag team champion this week and cashed in on the extension to the trailer."
Miss Sarah:
"Ripplemagne!"
Ripplemagne:
"What?! It's not like he's not benefiting from it!"
Miss Sarah:
"Don't listen to him Tobia-- Where'd he go?"
Ripplemagne:
"He's over there, playing with the electrical outlet with The Tang."
Looks of astonishment and extreme worry fill the faces of Miss Sarah and Regina Parish as they dash off to reprimand the two.
Ripplemagne:
"Oh, just let them get electrocuted! Maybe they will get super powers like Static Shock! How epic would that be?! Eh? Shockmasta' a nigga in the ring? Can you imagine Spades with his testiculars hooked up to a battery, getting laz0r'd by The Tang?"
* * *
And now, for your feature presentation...
* * *
As the new scene unfolds, the dark background forces us to focus solely on the character in front of us. Who is... Boba Fett? Pacing back and forth, he finally stops and looks passed the camera...
Boba Fett:
"This is it. The ultimate showdown of the ultimate destiny. Good guys, bad guys and explosions... as far as the eye can see. And only one will survive! I wonder who it will be..."
The voice is grainy and it sounds like it's going through a voice changer device, probably hooked up to the helmet...
Boba Fett:
"It's the final countdown! Danana! Dana-nana-na! And here... we face an enemy far beyond our normal scope of measure. A villain so evil that even the dreadful Him..."
Our scene cuts, momentarily, to a shot of "Him" from the Powerpuff Girls...
Boba Fett:
"Would quake in his boots. An enemy so vile -- note... that if you rearrange the word "vile", it is "evil" -- that even his own mother calls the cornutos on his presence. But one other thing can be rearranged from "evil" and thats "live". So, just remember that if this evil son of a bitch lives... you don't. And-- What is it, Butt Private!"
Audible snickering is heard at the word "butt" behind the man's mask as the camera pans over to show the crowd lined up. Here, we see all of the members of MxM+, including Pierre, lined up like military troops in G.I. equipment. However, The Tang is, curiously, wearing a Storm Trooper outfit without the helmet, Napalm is wearing the Shockmaster outfit, and Miss Sarah is dressed up like Sailor Moon. Even Pierre has camo stockings hanging from him...
The Tang:
"Why do you get to be Boba Fett?"
Removing his helmet, enigmatically... Boba Fett reveals himself to be Ripplemagne with war paint under his eyes...
Ripplemagne:
"Are you questioning me, Butt Private?! Is this war no longer about anything else, but your selfish needs?!"
The Tang:
"Well, no, but I was the one who found the Boba Fett costume an--"
Speaking like a drill sergeant, Ripplemagne shouts at the entire team in an amazed tone...
Ripplemagne:
"Do. You. Hear. This?! What we have here... is a failure to communicate! What is your major malfunction, numb nuts?! Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?"
The Tang:
"Well, no. See, this one Christmas--"
Ripplemagne:
"Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! Now! Move it! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle -- if it short dicks every cannibal on the congo!"
The Tang:
"I'm not quitting! I-I-I--"
Ripplemagne:
"Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger banging ol' Mary J. Rottencrotch through her perty pink panties are over! You're married to this piece. This weapon of iron and wood. And you will be faithful. Port, hut!"
Valeah:
"Uh... Ripplemagne. Now, you're just spouting off random quotes from Full Metal Jacket. That one didn't even make sense."
Ripplemagne:
"You have something to say, Private Joker?!"
Miss Sarah:
"Um... not to interrupt your tirade, but Valeah isn't Private Joker. The Jokers Wild are. You said so, yourself."
Ripplemagne:
"I'll decide what your cotton-pickin' names are, ya' lilly livered varmints!"
Karla Love:
"Great. Now, he's Yosemite Sam."
Ripplemagne:
"Maggots! You will all sound off, A.S.A.P."
The Tang:
"Oh! Sgt. Slaughter is made of sex and win!"
Taking the moment to shoot a pop gun into The Tang's eye, causing him to double over, holding his face, Ripplemagne stands upright and points the gun around the room, forcing everyone quiet.
The Tang:
"Agh! My eye!"
Ripplemagne:
"Do this not for yourselves. Do this for the people back home. The women and children, counting on us to stop the spread of communism. Do this for every working class schmo opening a newspaper. Do this for your country!"
Behind Ripplemagne, we see the graphic imagery of a waving flag appear behind him as he stands upright. The camera turns over to The Tang, who, with glee on his face and his mouth agape, looks upward... a Canadian flag appearing behind him.
Suddenly, another cork flies forward and hits The Tang in the eye as he doubles over, grumbling to himself...
The Tang:
"Argh! God damn it! Same eye! Same eye!"
Ripplemagne:
"I don't want to ever see that filth in my army again!"
Valeah:
"I think you're taking this war thing a little serious..."
With a sneer, Ripplemagne shoots the pop gun into Valeah's left breast, but the padding on her vest prevents it from hurting. A snicker is heard from Ripplemagne, but he straightens up and puts a coarse look back on his face...
Ripplemagne:
"Silence, Mulata! You're only here because of affirmative action!"
Everyone, finally, hushes as Ripplemagne begins to pace again...
Ripplemagne:
"This is the embodiment of the soldier spirit! This is the will and fervor of these United States of America! This is everything we've built up for and worked for! This is the new shit! This. Is. Sparta!"
Timidly, we see The Tang raise his hand again...
Ripplemagne:
"What is it, Butt Private?!"
The Tang:
"You said we were fighting for America."
Valeah:
"You also said we were fighting for Mandalore."
Miss Sarah:
"Not to mention LoPseid."
Napalm:
"And Matinée ex Machina Inc."
Regina Parish:
"As well as Entrée ex Machina."
The Tang:
"And you told me it was just for Matinée ex Machina."
CJ Davenport:
"You told me it was for that country we made on NationStates, Ripplemasia."
Karla Love:
"And, for whatever reason, Italy."
The White Mage:
"Monsieur Ripplemagne, you told me we were 'defending Gaia... or Terra... or whatever Final Fantasy planet you come from.'"
Mufasa:
"Meow."
Andy V.
"Damn. You told me it was for QV."
Pierre, Miss Sarah's Magical Talking Panties That Hate Her:
"You only convinced me to join because you said we were fighting for hate of that disgusting gas-production device!"
Miss Sarah:
"Hey!"
Valeah:
"The Roman Empire too."
Karla Love:
"The Mongolian Empire."
Regina Parish:
"And what was that about it being for the Old Republic?"
CJ Davenport:
"He told me we were Sith!
Napalm:
"Wh-Why did you tell me we were part of the Empire?! You told me you knew Darth Vader!"
Ripplemagne:
"Enough of this blasphemy! The Patriarch of Pretty... The King of Hearts... the genitalia of professional wrestling... A Matinée Idol... the magnificent Ripplemagne is a virtuoso of bra removal! His skills transcend even the renowned Giacomo Casanova! Why, the Ripplemagne can remove a bra with one hand without the wimmenz even noticing."
Karla Love:
"Speaking of which, you really need to let a girl know when you're removing her bra. "
Miss Sarah:
"It's kind of an interesting feel though. It's so unexpec--"
As the two continue, Ripplemagne speaks over them...
Ripplemagne:
"There is no bra that will get the best of the magnificent Ripplemagne! Straylia's or not!"
The feed starts to fade and what Ripplemagne just said may seem like one of his random tirades about something we just don't understand. But this one is actually pertinent to what's going on.
* * *
We open up to a field of grassy plains; the wind breezing over the individual blades, sending them rattling from the ground. The ever blue sky gleams as it wraps around the radiant sun like a fine cut of pita bread. The clouds seem to move at an accelerated rate through the windy blanket of blue above them. The steep hills and slopes in the grassland create the illusion of activity in the otherwise barren flat.
Dirt kicks up from the floor as we, finally, see a black hawk helicopter deploying the cast of Your Feature Presentation. One has to wonder how the helicopter supported all that weight; especially with Napalm's hugo bum. But... we don't actually see them on the helicopter, so it might have been improvised.
Who knows? I'm the writer of this nonsense and even I don't know what's going on half the time. Either that means I'm such a pro author that my characters work themselves or I'm such a terrible author that I have no idea what I'm doing. For the sake of my ego, I'm going to pretend it's the former.
Nevertheless, we catch hindsight of the crew as they begin to charge in a rather scattered formation. The camera sways to the side, up ahead where they're charging, as we see a gigantic bra; about fifteen feet tall. Behind us, we can hear some of the cast members speaking...
The Tang:
"Whoa! That thing is huge! How big are your sweater puppies, Sarah?!"
Miss Sarah:
"I lost weight! It doesn't fit anymore!"
Ripplemagne:
"And all the weight she lost was in her vanilla bean milk jugs. Australians can't do anything full-assed!"
Pierre, Miss Sarah's Magical Talking Panties That Hate Her:
"You fat bitch! Try lipo suction next time! Heathen!"
Miss Sarah:
"Did you have to bring him, Ripp'!?"
Ripplemagne:
"Did you have to get a smaller rack and neglect your old bras, sending one of them on a rogue killing spree to destroy the world and everything in it?!"
The feed now shows the team, firing upon the gigantic bra with assault rifles, but the slugs seem to bounce off of its reflective shell. It goes unfazed and we, the viewers, can only think "what the Hell?" Either Ripplemagne leads a magical life or they team is fantastic at editing video.
For novelty sake, we're going to pretend it's the former.
The bra fires laser beams from the cloth that would normally cover the nipples, sending up a wave of smoke, debris and sand. We see the crew guard their faces and drop their weapons. Brandishing swords, the team charges in and attempts to slice at the humongo bra, but it swats them away with its strap appendages.
Each individual gives it a try and gets stricken back until we hear Ripplemagne...
Ripplemagne:
"It's morphin' time!"
The scene shifts to each member of the team glowing and then becoming the exact same color as their text throughout Your Feature Presentation. Notably, Ripplemagne does the macarena while he's morphing and The Tang's pants fall to his ankles while he becomes the lighter shade of orange ranger.
The scenario reopens with the team donning shwanky new Power Rangers outfits, reminiscent of the Zeo Rangers. Unlike the others, Ripplemagne seems to have a cape, but it seems he's the pink ranger.
The Tang:
"Why do you get a cape?!"
Ripplemagne:
"Because I'm prettier than the rest of you. Duh."
Valeah:
"Wait. Why am I the black ranger?!"
The camera slides over to show that Valeah is not, purple, as we previously thought. But, instead, her costume is black...
Ripplemagne:
"Bitch, 'cause you black! You don't see Escargo complaining because she's the White Ranger. Gawsh! Now, stop suckin' me. Or wait..."
Karla Love:
"Where is Mage, anyway?"
The White Mage:
"Right here."
We see The White Mage wave from behind the camera as Valeah mutters under her breath...
Valeah:
"Racism in the hood."
Napalm:
"These tights are so embarrassing."
The Tang:
"Hehe. I have a wedgie.
Ripplemagne:
"Silence! Attack the nipple-laz0ring monster attempting to... y'know... kill us!"
The cast all nod to one another and charge at the gigantic bra, attempting to take slashes at it with their new weapons. They begin to overwhelm it, but The Tang gets knocked back.
The Tang:
"Fuck shit balls damn it all! For Canadia's sake! My eye! The same God damn eye!"
The bra gets stricken back, but the feed abruptly switches over to some celestial tower where we see Rita Repulsa with her famous scepter. Hurdling it like a javelin to the planet's surface, we hear her scream...
Rita Repulsa:
"Magic scepter! Make my monster grow!"
And upon that notion, the bra begins to expand from the frightening Pamela Anderson F size to... the legendary Rosie O'Donnell ZZZ size. At this point, it towers over sixty feet tall. However, the team doesn't relent and attempts to cut it down to size by firing laser beams from their weapons.
Its strap appendages sweep down and strike them all like the archetypal boss battle would imply...
The Tang:
"My eye! My eye!"
We see The Tang holding his eye as they're all knocked back a few yards. They continue to try and stop the enormous breast cups from beating the Hell out of them. They fire laser beams in unison, but it swats them again...
The Tang:
"Agggggggh! Fucking eye!"
Pierre:
"Retreat and shit!"
Standing upright, Ripplemagne stands with his finger pointing to the sky...
Ripplemagne:
"Retreat?! Ha! The mighty MxM+ will never retreat!"
Almost on cue, the bra shoop da woops and fires a gigantic laser beam that just misses the cast. On Ripplemagne's face, we see quivering and utter dismay. His body begins to quake, but he regains his composure...
Ripplemagne:
"...Okay, okay! We're not retreating! A reshift in commands though. Here's the game plan: Advance in the opposite direction!"
The entire team begin to flee, but the bra seems to teleport in front of them, Dragonball Z style...
Ripplemagne:
"Hm... well, that wasn't going to work. Alright! I had a lapse of epic for a moment! We will never retreat! This is what we've been waiting for! The coup de grace! Attack!"
With fierce war cries, the team begin to flood in to attack the mighty disembodied bra as they hold their weapons high, charging through a hurricane of wind and magic. One after the other, they leap into the air as the will to survive kicks in and they attack in unison, an ungodly amount of distance from the ground...
In that instant, the feed fades to black...
* * *
Moments after the feed goes black, we reopen inside the MxM "Movie" Trailer, where we see the entire team in the living room with their entire bodies bandaged up and discouraged looks on their faces. Or just plain beaten looks on their faces. Well... all except The Tang, who has a 10 inch ice bag on his eye.
Ripplemagne:
"Well, that sucked..."
* * *
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
The sunlight intrudes on our feed as the door swings open from the production building. Immediately in front of us, we see the MxM "Movie" Trailer, but... larger...
Much larger.
It grinds along the blacktop pavement on the ground, its wheels rolling along as our feed turns to show the look of astonishment on the faces of Miss Sarah, Valeah, Karla Love, Andy V., Napalm, Regina Parish, CJ Davenport and even Mufasa. In that crowd, we see Ripplemagne standing up right as though he were a salesman.
Suddenly, we hear Miss Sarah's voice echo throughout the entire parking lot. She steps forward in a full body cat suit and gloves, while she laments at Ripplemagne...
Miss Sarah:
"What the Hell is this?!"
Next, we hear from Ripplemagne as everyone side steps away from him to avoid Miss Sarah's wrath...
Ripplemagne:
"Behold! The new and improved MxM+ trailer. Emphasis on the sexy little plus found after the M. It now contains six bedrooms."
Miss Sarah:
"Why?!"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, after having your ovary horn blow at me for the last two weeks, the Ripplemagne got his sippy cup and sat in his thinking chair to think... think... think~! And he deduced a rather unproblematic solution to that dreadful little quandary of you being a festering pain in his marvelous gluteous maximus. And lo and behold... an extension to the trailer."
From off camera, we hear Valeah speak, causing the camera to shift over to her and back over to Miss Sarah and Ripplemagne when she finishes...
Valeah:
"How did you afford this?"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, the Ripplemagne was going to use his birthday savings on this venture, but it seems that a fair quartet of wimmenz went the cheap route and touched him in inappropriate places for his birthday instead. So, I got a hold of the royalties Napalm was supposed to get for being tag team champion this week and cashed in on the extension to the trailer."
Miss Sarah:
"Ripplemagne!"
Ripplemagne:
"What?! It's not like he's not benefiting from it!"
Miss Sarah:
"Don't listen to him Tobia-- Where'd he go?"
Ripplemagne:
"He's over there, playing with the electrical outlet with The Tang."
Looks of astonishment and extreme worry fill the faces of Miss Sarah and Regina Parish as they dash off to reprimand the two.
Ripplemagne:
"Oh, just let them get electrocuted! Maybe they will get super powers like Static Shock! How epic would that be?! Eh? Shockmasta' a nigga in the ring? Can you imagine Spades with his testiculars hooked up to a battery, getting laz0r'd by The Tang?"
* * *
And now, for your feature presentation...
* * *
As the new scene unfolds, the dark background forces us to focus solely on the character in front of us. Who is... Boba Fett? Pacing back and forth, he finally stops and looks passed the camera...
Boba Fett:
"This is it. The ultimate showdown of the ultimate destiny. Good guys, bad guys and explosions... as far as the eye can see. And only one will survive! I wonder who it will be..."
The voice is grainy and it sounds like it's going through a voice changer device, probably hooked up to the helmet...
Boba Fett:
"It's the final countdown! Danana! Dana-nana-na! And here... we face an enemy far beyond our normal scope of measure. A villain so evil that even the dreadful Him..."
Our scene cuts, momentarily, to a shot of "Him" from the Powerpuff Girls...
Boba Fett:
"Would quake in his boots. An enemy so vile -- note... that if you rearrange the word "vile", it is "evil" -- that even his own mother calls the cornutos on his presence. But one other thing can be rearranged from "evil" and thats "live". So, just remember that if this evil son of a bitch lives... you don't. And-- What is it, Butt Private!"
Audible snickering is heard at the word "butt" behind the man's mask as the camera pans over to show the crowd lined up. Here, we see all of the members of MxM+, including Pierre, lined up like military troops in G.I. equipment. However, The Tang is, curiously, wearing a Storm Trooper outfit without the helmet, Napalm is wearing the Shockmaster outfit, and Miss Sarah is dressed up like Sailor Moon. Even Pierre has camo stockings hanging from him...
The Tang:
"Why do you get to be Boba Fett?"
Removing his helmet, enigmatically... Boba Fett reveals himself to be Ripplemagne with war paint under his eyes...
Ripplemagne:
"Are you questioning me, Butt Private?! Is this war no longer about anything else, but your selfish needs?!"
The Tang:
"Well, no, but I was the one who found the Boba Fett costume an--"
Speaking like a drill sergeant, Ripplemagne shouts at the entire team in an amazed tone...
Ripplemagne:
"Do. You. Hear. This?! What we have here... is a failure to communicate! What is your major malfunction, numb nuts?! Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?"
The Tang:
"Well, no. See, this one Christmas--"
Ripplemagne:
"Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! Now! Move it! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle -- if it short dicks every cannibal on the congo!"
The Tang:
"I'm not quitting! I-I-I--"
Ripplemagne:
"Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger banging ol' Mary J. Rottencrotch through her perty pink panties are over! You're married to this piece. This weapon of iron and wood. And you will be faithful. Port, hut!"
Valeah:
"Uh... Ripplemagne. Now, you're just spouting off random quotes from Full Metal Jacket. That one didn't even make sense."
Ripplemagne:
"You have something to say, Private Joker?!"
Miss Sarah:
"Um... not to interrupt your tirade, but Valeah isn't Private Joker. The Jokers Wild are. You said so, yourself."
Ripplemagne:
"I'll decide what your cotton-pickin' names are, ya' lilly livered varmints!"
Karla Love:
"Great. Now, he's Yosemite Sam."
Ripplemagne:
"Maggots! You will all sound off, A.S.A.P."
The Tang:
"Oh! Sgt. Slaughter is made of sex and win!"
Taking the moment to shoot a pop gun into The Tang's eye, causing him to double over, holding his face, Ripplemagne stands upright and points the gun around the room, forcing everyone quiet.
The Tang:
"Agh! My eye!"
Ripplemagne:
"Do this not for yourselves. Do this for the people back home. The women and children, counting on us to stop the spread of communism. Do this for every working class schmo opening a newspaper. Do this for your country!"
Behind Ripplemagne, we see the graphic imagery of a waving flag appear behind him as he stands upright. The camera turns over to The Tang, who, with glee on his face and his mouth agape, looks upward... a Canadian flag appearing behind him.
Suddenly, another cork flies forward and hits The Tang in the eye as he doubles over, grumbling to himself...
The Tang:
"Argh! God damn it! Same eye! Same eye!"
Ripplemagne:
"I don't want to ever see that filth in my army again!"
Valeah:
"I think you're taking this war thing a little serious..."
With a sneer, Ripplemagne shoots the pop gun into Valeah's left breast, but the padding on her vest prevents it from hurting. A snicker is heard from Ripplemagne, but he straightens up and puts a coarse look back on his face...
Ripplemagne:
"Silence, Mulata! You're only here because of affirmative action!"
Everyone, finally, hushes as Ripplemagne begins to pace again...
Ripplemagne:
"This is the embodiment of the soldier spirit! This is the will and fervor of these United States of America! This is everything we've built up for and worked for! This is the new shit! This. Is. Sparta!"
Timidly, we see The Tang raise his hand again...
Ripplemagne:
"What is it, Butt Private?!"
The Tang:
"You said we were fighting for America."
Valeah:
"You also said we were fighting for Mandalore."
Miss Sarah:
"Not to mention LoPseid."
Napalm:
"And Matinée ex Machina Inc."
Regina Parish:
"As well as Entrée ex Machina."
The Tang:
"And you told me it was just for Matinée ex Machina."
CJ Davenport:
"You told me it was for that country we made on NationStates, Ripplemasia."
Karla Love:
"And, for whatever reason, Italy."
The White Mage:
"Monsieur Ripplemagne, you told me we were 'defending Gaia... or Terra... or whatever Final Fantasy planet you come from.'"
Mufasa:
"Meow."
Andy V.
"Damn. You told me it was for QV."
Pierre, Miss Sarah's Magical Talking Panties That Hate Her:
"You only convinced me to join because you said we were fighting for hate of that disgusting gas-production device!"
Miss Sarah:
"Hey!"
Valeah:
"The Roman Empire too."
Karla Love:
"The Mongolian Empire."
Regina Parish:
"And what was that about it being for the Old Republic?"
CJ Davenport:
"He told me we were Sith!
Napalm:
"Wh-Why did you tell me we were part of the Empire?! You told me you knew Darth Vader!"
Ripplemagne:
"Enough of this blasphemy! The Patriarch of Pretty... The King of Hearts... the genitalia of professional wrestling... A Matinée Idol... the magnificent Ripplemagne is a virtuoso of bra removal! His skills transcend even the renowned Giacomo Casanova! Why, the Ripplemagne can remove a bra with one hand without the wimmenz even noticing."
Karla Love:
"Speaking of which, you really need to let a girl know when you're removing her bra. "
Miss Sarah:
"It's kind of an interesting feel though. It's so unexpec--"
As the two continue, Ripplemagne speaks over them...
Ripplemagne:
"There is no bra that will get the best of the magnificent Ripplemagne! Straylia's or not!"
The feed starts to fade and what Ripplemagne just said may seem like one of his random tirades about something we just don't understand. But this one is actually pertinent to what's going on.
* * *
We open up to a field of grassy plains; the wind breezing over the individual blades, sending them rattling from the ground. The ever blue sky gleams as it wraps around the radiant sun like a fine cut of pita bread. The clouds seem to move at an accelerated rate through the windy blanket of blue above them. The steep hills and slopes in the grassland create the illusion of activity in the otherwise barren flat.
Dirt kicks up from the floor as we, finally, see a black hawk helicopter deploying the cast of Your Feature Presentation. One has to wonder how the helicopter supported all that weight; especially with Napalm's hugo bum. But... we don't actually see them on the helicopter, so it might have been improvised.
Who knows? I'm the writer of this nonsense and even I don't know what's going on half the time. Either that means I'm such a pro author that my characters work themselves or I'm such a terrible author that I have no idea what I'm doing. For the sake of my ego, I'm going to pretend it's the former.
Nevertheless, we catch hindsight of the crew as they begin to charge in a rather scattered formation. The camera sways to the side, up ahead where they're charging, as we see a gigantic bra; about fifteen feet tall. Behind us, we can hear some of the cast members speaking...
The Tang:
"Whoa! That thing is huge! How big are your sweater puppies, Sarah?!"
Miss Sarah:
"I lost weight! It doesn't fit anymore!"
Ripplemagne:
"And all the weight she lost was in her vanilla bean milk jugs. Australians can't do anything full-assed!"
Pierre, Miss Sarah's Magical Talking Panties That Hate Her:
"You fat bitch! Try lipo suction next time! Heathen!"
Miss Sarah:
"Did you have to bring him, Ripp'!?"
Ripplemagne:
"Did you have to get a smaller rack and neglect your old bras, sending one of them on a rogue killing spree to destroy the world and everything in it?!"
The feed now shows the team, firing upon the gigantic bra with assault rifles, but the slugs seem to bounce off of its reflective shell. It goes unfazed and we, the viewers, can only think "what the Hell?" Either Ripplemagne leads a magical life or they team is fantastic at editing video.
For novelty sake, we're going to pretend it's the former.
The bra fires laser beams from the cloth that would normally cover the nipples, sending up a wave of smoke, debris and sand. We see the crew guard their faces and drop their weapons. Brandishing swords, the team charges in and attempts to slice at the humongo bra, but it swats them away with its strap appendages.
Each individual gives it a try and gets stricken back until we hear Ripplemagne...
Ripplemagne:
"It's morphin' time!"
The scene shifts to each member of the team glowing and then becoming the exact same color as their text throughout Your Feature Presentation. Notably, Ripplemagne does the macarena while he's morphing and The Tang's pants fall to his ankles while he becomes the lighter shade of orange ranger.
The scenario reopens with the team donning shwanky new Power Rangers outfits, reminiscent of the Zeo Rangers. Unlike the others, Ripplemagne seems to have a cape, but it seems he's the pink ranger.
The Tang:
"Why do you get a cape?!"
Ripplemagne:
"Because I'm prettier than the rest of you. Duh."
Valeah:
"Wait. Why am I the black ranger?!"
The camera slides over to show that Valeah is not, purple, as we previously thought. But, instead, her costume is black...
Ripplemagne:
"Bitch, 'cause you black! You don't see Escargo complaining because she's the White Ranger. Gawsh! Now, stop suckin' me. Or wait..."
Karla Love:
"Where is Mage, anyway?"
The White Mage:
"Right here."
We see The White Mage wave from behind the camera as Valeah mutters under her breath...
Valeah:
"Racism in the hood."
Napalm:
"These tights are so embarrassing."
The Tang:
"Hehe. I have a wedgie.
Ripplemagne:
"Silence! Attack the nipple-laz0ring monster attempting to... y'know... kill us!"
The cast all nod to one another and charge at the gigantic bra, attempting to take slashes at it with their new weapons. They begin to overwhelm it, but The Tang gets knocked back.
The Tang:
"Fuck shit balls damn it all! For Canadia's sake! My eye! The same God damn eye!"
The bra gets stricken back, but the feed abruptly switches over to some celestial tower where we see Rita Repulsa with her famous scepter. Hurdling it like a javelin to the planet's surface, we hear her scream...
Rita Repulsa:
"Magic scepter! Make my monster grow!"
And upon that notion, the bra begins to expand from the frightening Pamela Anderson F size to... the legendary Rosie O'Donnell ZZZ size. At this point, it towers over sixty feet tall. However, the team doesn't relent and attempts to cut it down to size by firing laser beams from their weapons.
Its strap appendages sweep down and strike them all like the archetypal boss battle would imply...
The Tang:
"My eye! My eye!"
We see The Tang holding his eye as they're all knocked back a few yards. They continue to try and stop the enormous breast cups from beating the Hell out of them. They fire laser beams in unison, but it swats them again...
The Tang:
"Agggggggh! Fucking eye!"
Pierre:
"Retreat and shit!"
Standing upright, Ripplemagne stands with his finger pointing to the sky...
Ripplemagne:
"Retreat?! Ha! The mighty MxM+ will never retreat!"
Almost on cue, the bra shoop da woops and fires a gigantic laser beam that just misses the cast. On Ripplemagne's face, we see quivering and utter dismay. His body begins to quake, but he regains his composure...
Ripplemagne:
"...Okay, okay! We're not retreating! A reshift in commands though. Here's the game plan: Advance in the opposite direction!"
The entire team begin to flee, but the bra seems to teleport in front of them, Dragonball Z style...
Ripplemagne:
"Hm... well, that wasn't going to work. Alright! I had a lapse of epic for a moment! We will never retreat! This is what we've been waiting for! The coup de grace! Attack!"
With fierce war cries, the team begin to flood in to attack the mighty disembodied bra as they hold their weapons high, charging through a hurricane of wind and magic. One after the other, they leap into the air as the will to survive kicks in and they attack in unison, an ungodly amount of distance from the ground...
In that instant, the feed fades to black...
* * *
Moments after the feed goes black, we reopen inside the MxM "Movie" Trailer, where we see the entire team in the living room with their entire bodies bandaged up and discouraged looks on their faces. Or just plain beaten looks on their faces. Well... all except The Tang, who has a 10 inch ice bag on his eye.
Ripplemagne:
"Well, that sucked..."
* * *
