Tea Time With Ripplemagne
* * *
Fact of the Day
Use the word "ick" for a rhyming base for the sentence "I'm going to ick your ass" for very hilarious results.
Word of the Day
Theater
-noun
a building, part of a building, or outdoor area for housing dramatic presentations, stage entertainments, or motion-picture shows.
* * *
A voice-over with no sound. Auditory. A young, French girl with a business tone in her voice...
The White Mage:
"Today, we have been granted the privilege of having a straight forward dishing interview with Monsieur Ripplemagne. We hope that you enjoy it."
* * *
And now, for your feature presentation...
* * *
The scenery was a simple scarlet curtain and two cherrywood bar stools standing high enough where both figures on camera can't reach their feet to the ground when sitting atop them. Leaning back against the wooden bars held in place by arched framework along the top of the seat, a young man with glistening champagne hair. When looking at him, it's as if the entire world slows down. Porcelain skin and a petite frame coated by pale gray bell bottoms and an oversized, embroidered dress shirt that hangs down so low on one shoulder that we can see the ripples in his pecs. The burlesque lad reclines in the seat with one arm, swimming in his white dress shirt, over the back of the stool. His blue-green eyes are fixated on the breasts of the tousled blonde hair of the girl sitting across from him.
The woman's bronze skin contrasted her glistening pink lips and white blouse as she sat upright, leaning forward a little with a set of cue cards in her hand. The woman's mascara-drenched eyelashes batted as a ditsy, overambitious look on her face seemed to be the paragon of her attitude. Clad to her lapel of her denim jacket was a name tag that read "Janelle Skye", marking her as the breakthrough news correspondent. Raising a microphone to her perky lips, she speaks in a soft tone while bringing her attention to the nearby camera...
Janelle Skye:
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Janelle Skye and I've been given the privilege of being the first news correspondent of Full Throttle Wrestling to give an interview to the one who calls himself 'magnificent', Ripplemagne! In fact, I was specifically requested! I'm so excited!"
Practically bouncing in her seat, she doesn't seem to notice the lustful lips of Ripplemagne pucker as his arm that dangles down over the side of the stool raises a microphone to his own mouth.
Ripplemagne:
"Pip pip da doodly doo. And what a fine interview it will be. You see, my lovely, adoring fans -- the stunning Janelle Skye has been granted the rare opportunity to interview the Patriarch of Pretty in a no holds barred fashion. That means that any question you, the winrar fans, have rearing on your teddy bear craniums... will be dealt with in the here and now. Now, without further ado, play that funky music, white girl."
Janelle Skye:
"In your short time here, you've managed to draw the eyes of a number of people. It seems that in only two matches in, you're already building quite a reputation through your theatrics. It seems that even your stable mate, Chris Cage, is wary of this and has claimed that you may be using ties and backstage politics to build yourself up."
Ripplemagne:
"It should be noted that not all of the 8-Bit Theater members see eye to eye. In fact, most probably do not. The majority of us align through the necessity of security. A single fresh face is dispensable and an easy target for some hothead mamaluke like Damon Synn to ambush and try to make an 'example' out of them. However, someone like that will think twice about such a tactic when they know that the consequences of such is being strung up by their balls by guys like Bucky Skyler, Shane Tallin, et cetera, et cetera.
That being said, I've never been on the good side of backstage politics. My stablemates, of all people, should be aware of that. Much like in my last promotion, my success is predicated on my charisma. In the ring, I get the job done and I get it done right. Out of the ring, me simply allowing my personality to pervade is enough to draw droves of fan support and the layers of my mind keeps me ten steps ahead of the game."
Janelle Skye:
"Is that why you are the leader of 8-Bit Theater? To stay ten steps ahead of the game?"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, the first thing you have to realize is that there's no 'leader' of 8-Bit Theater. We work as individual units of a conglomerate, which... inevitably, makes us all the more dangerous. Many assume because I've acted as the spokesman of 8-Bit Theater and organized it that I'm the Shao Khan of it all, but a guy like Shane Tallin would never take orders from me as entertaining as the results might be."
Janelle Skye:
"I see. So, what are your plans then? What exactly motivates you to do this?"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, for some guys in the back, the ultimate goal is glory. Championships. Wealth. Fame. All of those things are easily within my reach, wrestling or not. To put it as succinctly as possible though, I am the antithesis of James Magnum.
Guys like James Magnum are here to win every match they're in. I, on the other hand, am here to lose. Albeit, I've yet to be soundly defeated and take a great deal of measurable pride in this -- that's not why I compete. The taste of legitimate defeat is a stinging sensation. It throbs and runs its course like the zesty sensation you get when you down a jalapeno. For many, such a sensation causes grief and frustration, but for me, it's a reminder that I'm alive. Every sensation is its own indicator of such a thing and gives me the rush and fire I need to grow. All in all, defeat is the driving force of success."
Janelle Skye:
"I don't understand."
Ripplemagne:
"Have you ever met someone you thought was very intelligent? They seem to know how to use their tongue as a finely crafted zweihander to rend the flesh of their adversaries?"
Janelle Skye:
"I... guess so?"
Ripplemagne:
"Make no mistake. These individuals are the individuals who have sustained the most thorough defeats among us all. They've learned to adapt to the circumstances of defeat and even combat it. Ensure that it's purged from their lives because, as General Patton said, they 'will not tolerate a loser'. But as an individual fortifies themselves, they grow in such a way that they need to be showed. Showed that they still have holes that need to be patched. And through learning that, they learn to adapt and grow even more."
Janelle Skye:
"Before you said that you've never been legitimately defeated. But you were pinned by Eden Black in the Six Man Scramble Match that just passed."
Ripplemagne:
"Hence the word 'legitimate'."
Janelle Skye:
"Are you saying that you weren't legitimately pinned?"
Ripplemagne:
"Have you not been paying attention? I had no intention of winning the Six Man Scramble. Truth be told, I planned to prop up a chair and watch the match outside the ring, but management threatened me with contact termination if I didn't compete. So... I did what any top caliber athlete would do when facing a board of incompetent butt plugs. First, I ensured that my stablemate left the ring with his contract in hand and then I threw my arms around and pretended to do something until someone made the pin. And from there, all I had to do was sit and do nothing."
Janelle Skye:
"So... you let Eden Black pin you and ruined the sanctity of the match and blemished your wrestling record just because management told you to compete?"
Ripplemagne:
"Precisely. If I'm going to be thrown in a match that I don't want to be in and then told how to fight it, then naturally, I'm going to follow suit. But in the process, I'm going to shit and piss all over the sanctity of the match. Special delivery of two shit balls to the cafones backstage."
Janelle Skye:
"But... I still don't understand. If you want to be legitimately defeated, why didn't you try to win the Six Man Scramble and face off against Haze?"
Ripplemagne:
"And if I had defeated Haze? What am I to learn by being given a pass to the top? In a month, I'll be the tender age of twenty for this profession. I haven't worked developmental territories and indies like many of the others here have. Fine tuning my style has come out of the ring for me, yet when I get in the ring, I'm viewed as one of the most threatening forces in the match. I haven't earned my stripes and, to be quite frank, I don't deserve such an opportunity.
If I were to have won the Scramble and then gone on to hold the World Heavyweight Championship, then I'm in the same predicament... only with more attention. And if I were to lose to William Haze, it wouldn't sate my passion. A rookie going into a match against a champion without the experience of the previous divisions will learn nothing from their defeat. If you ask me, there's more exhilaration in a small country beating a diametrically comparable small country rather than a big country beating a considerably petite country or vice versa.
I've been in the ring with James Magnum when he was the man and I was the rookie. It was a match that I went on to win alongside Bucky Skyler. But the match I learned the most from was against a debuting superstar when I was a rookie. His name was Tommy Rogue and even though I won the match, I could taste the zest of that match long after it was over.
To answer your original question, my motivation is found in two very simple concepts. Competition... and having fun."
Janelle Skye:
"I see. And how did you get into wrestling anyway?"
Ripplemagne:
"My... former tag team partner, Chris 'The Tang' Winters had considerable fame in a number of independent circuits. A reunion tour for a company called 'Action Wrestling League' was running for six weeks and as an alumni, he was participating. Having sparred with me a number of times, he offered to put in a good word for me and before I knew it, I was getting propositions from a number of big name companies.
Imagine me; barely 18 and struggling to finish up his last year of High School and I was taking that ring by storm with no prior experience under my belt. After a few matches in the reunion tour, a number of scouts from different organizations wanted to sign me and I found myself competing with Chris Cage in some rag tag operation that went under as soon as him and I walked out the door. Then after that, The Tang and I formed Matinée ex Machina and were considered a thoroughly unbeatable tag team.
In our fame, we each took on singles careers. Winters kind of fizzled out and was essentially the Jannetty of the team. But me? I had the world by the balls and as the champion of the lowest division in the organization, I commanded twice as much attention as every other champion."
Janelle Skye:
"Impressive."
Ripplemagne:
"Yeah. I'm pretty awesome."
Janelle Skye:
"This next question is a popular one. What exactly does your name mean?"
Ripplemagne:
"Ah, yes. My name. To this day, a number of people still mispronounce it as 'rip-uhl-mahg-nee' or some other derivative, when it's been pronounced 'rip-leh-mayn' quite frequently. But to those of you familiar with Charlemagne, his name translates to 'Charles the Great'. Ergo, it's simple to deduce that the latter part of my name translates to 'the great'. The prefix of that, however, is pretty simple..."
Raising his shirt, Ripplemagne displays his washboard abs, waving his hand to them as if to say 'behold'. It seems Janelle gets a little entranced by them as Ripplemagne snaps his fingers to get her attention...
Janelle Skye:
"Oh, um. Yes, next question. You've displayed a rather eccentric and hyperactive personality in the past. My next question is: Where does that all stem from?"
Ripplemagne:
"Where does it stem from? It's my personality. I'm not one of the archetypes of professional wrestling; I don't have a deep, dark tragic past or a gloomy personality, where I try to show everyone how tough and crazy I am. I don't waste your time with meaningless promos where I see how many ways I can mispronounce my opponent of the week's name to make it sound bad. I don't hate society, I'm not interested in telling everyone how hard my life has been, I don't have a lover who has scorned me and ruined me for all future relationships, I had a rather lovely household raised by an absolutely wonderful mother who tried to give me every opportunity she could, I don't have a one-dimensional personality where my behavior and attitude is the same twenty-four and seven, I'm not a rich snob with a private jet and an endless list of championships that I've won in the past."
At this point, Janelle seemed absolutely fascinated and couldn't wait to ask the next question.
Janelle Skye:
"In your last promotion, you faced off against a man named Oliver Creed before you were banned from competing. The two of you had a rather lengthy religious debate, in which the majority believe you won. What exactly are your religious beliefs?"
Ripplemagne:
"Haha. Well, that question is not as easy to answer as it seems. To those who have studied theological history, you're familiar with the early Christian sects such as the Ebionites, the Nazarenes, the Gnostics, the Marcionites, et cetera, et cetera. I consider myself an unorthodox Nazarene. What this means is that my beliefs coincide with those of the twelve apostles -- who were the foundation of the Nazarene Church, negating Markan, Lukan and Pauline sources."
There was a pause as Janelle seemed to be utterly stupefied by whatever the Hell Ripplemagne just said. It was like explaining quantum mechanics to a five year old at this point.
Janelle Skye:
"Oh... uh... cool. You're very smart. How come you don't use that to your advantage instead of clowning around?"
Ripplemagne:
"Maybe clowning around is part of the way I use it to my advantage? You see, as I said before, all of this flexing and such is not my scene. It comes as a surprise to many people when they find out that I'm quite well read. I suppose they're used to pseudo-intellectual showboaters, who use every opportunity they can to show everyone how smart and deep and educated and sophisticated and betterer than you they are."
Janelle Skye:
"So, I'm curious now. Do you have any political views?"
Ripplemagne:
"I'm actually a moderate Libertarian and an avid Tea Party supporter. I'm hoping to attend the Restoring Honor rally on the Lincoln Memorial on August 28. My beliefs are rooted in freedom and the Constitution of the United States of America. I realize a number of people are probably going to ostracize me for these beliefs and yes, I am a fan of Glenn Beck. A big fan."
And again, Janelle seems lost.
Janelle Skye:
"So, um... are you a Republican or a Democrat?"
Ripplemagne:
"...Neither. I'm fiscally conservative and civilly liberal."
Janelle Skye:
"Which means...?"
Ripplemagne:
"Which means I'm for lower taxes, smaller government, gun rights and the legalization of certain drugs, prostitution, loan sharking and gambling. And against health care reform, censorship, various forms of government subsidies, and all that Father Knows Best stuff that we've grown to depend on oh-so plentifully."
Janelle Skye:
"Hm... I may be putting you on a cross here, but what do you think about gay marriage?"
Ripplemagne:
"Hahaha. No, no. No worries. I'm not a fundamentalist. My belief on the subject is that marriage is a private contract and should yield no government benefits regardless of gender. Let the faggot tree ensue."
Janelle Skye:
"So... are you um... y'know..."
Ripplemagne:
"Gay? No. I'm quite fond of the snatch. Which reminds me, I feel compelled to point out that I am quite interested in discovering what lies inside Pandora's... hehe... 'box'."
Janelle Skye:
"Before, you said you were in favor of the legalization of drugs. Which drugs and I'm sure the question on everyone's mind is: Which ones are you doing?"
Ripplemagne:
"Believe it or not, I'm quite straight edge. Won't even drink alcohol -- which I believe is actually one of the worst drugs -- or even caffeine. But I'm in favor of the legalization of prostitution, loan sharking and gambling as well and none of them are activities I would necessarily partake in. As for legalization, being that salvia is legal in most U.S. states, it stands to reason that LSD should be as well. Though, I do believe that education programs should be in place to minimize the potential psychological damage of a bad trip. Naturally, I'm in favor of the legalization of marijuana as well. As for others, I'm on the fence about it, but the legal drinking age should certainly be lowered to 18. If I'm legal enough to die via a bullet in Afghanistan, then I'm old enough to die via my liver exploding from being a drunken, college moron."
Janelle Skye:
"And on a lighter note. Music?"
Ripplemagne:
"I like a little bit of everything. From Eminem to Bon Jovi to Avenged Sevenfold and all the way to Louis Armstrong and Gloria Gaynor. I had my metal head phase, but then I grew up and learned that introjecting with music is kind of silly. Still, my favorite band to this day is Metallica."
Janelle Skye:
"And back to wrestling. In the moments leading up to the Six Man Scramble at Outrage, your opponents seemed to have a great deal to say about you. However, some have raised concern that you don't spend enough time addressing your opponents, allowing them to one up you in the battlefield of ideas."
Ripplemagne:
"Ha. Mon amie, the Ripplemagne has proven time and time again that he can roll with the best in a tit for tat debate. Some of the best minds in our business have fallen in heaps at my feet. Rurik Krychek, a man who prides himself on being able to outsmart anyone, was left utterly speechless and crippled when I was still a wee tenderfoot. Oliver Creed, whom you mentioned earlier, expected to dash me across the neck with theological prowess like he had done to all of his other victims up until that point. There was nothing left of him by the time he had finished debating with me.
Realistically, my silence in regards to people like Peisnoe speaks more volumes than my words ever could. Well, maybe not more, but certainly enough.
To those of you who are new to what Your Feature Presentation entails, we are not a soapbox show. I discussed this in episode XXIV of Season 1 some time ago; an episode you will be redirected to at the end of this edition."
Janelle Skye:
"So, you have nothing to say about any of your opponents from Outrage?"
Ripplemagne:
"Nope."
Janelle Skye:
"Well, this week, you're facing off against Ace Centric. Any thoughts?"
Ripplemagne:
"I believe I made my views on Ace very clear in my first promo. I hope the kid can give me the competition I seek, but to be quite honest, I don't hold out much hope."
Janelle Skye:
"I'm also curious about one more thing that seems to be on everyone's mind. Who else can we expect to see in the 8-Bit Theater stable?"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, The Fire Ant was recently announced as the newest member along with her manager, Lina Zalizati. A few others have been contacted and shall be debuting in the upcoming weeks under the 8-Bit Theater banner. I can't reveal them just yet, but what I can say is that there are only four individuals who I would like to be a part of 8-Bit Theater, but have not been contacted about joining as of now. The first is my former stable mate, Dwight Mare.
The second is a man known as Arata Tanaka, whom I have not had the honor of facing as of today. The third, a good friend of mine and a legend in her own rite; her name is Baby Dogg. And the last would be none other than James Magnum."
Janelle Skye:
"What? James Magnum? Why is that?"
Ripplemagne:
"I think this interview has about run its course. Now, it's time for me to get to know you."
Janelle Skye:
"Me? What about me?"
Ripplemagne:
"Ya ever see the inside of a movie star's trailer?"
Shaking her head with a curious innocence, Janelle rose from her chair as Ripplemagne snaked out of his and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. The two began to walk off as Ripplemagne turned to the camera and winked with a thumbs up...
Ripplemagne:
"Oh yeah. Best believe it."
* * *
Fin.
XXIV. A Ripplemagne Shoot
* * *
Fact of the Day
Use the word "ick" for a rhyming base for the sentence "I'm going to ick your ass" for very hilarious results.
Word of the Day
Theater
-noun
a building, part of a building, or outdoor area for housing dramatic presentations, stage entertainments, or motion-picture shows.
* * *
A voice-over with no sound. Auditory. A young, French girl with a business tone in her voice...
The White Mage:
"Today, we have been granted the privilege of having a straight forward dishing interview with Monsieur Ripplemagne. We hope that you enjoy it."
* * *
And now, for your feature presentation...
* * *
The scenery was a simple scarlet curtain and two cherrywood bar stools standing high enough where both figures on camera can't reach their feet to the ground when sitting atop them. Leaning back against the wooden bars held in place by arched framework along the top of the seat, a young man with glistening champagne hair. When looking at him, it's as if the entire world slows down. Porcelain skin and a petite frame coated by pale gray bell bottoms and an oversized, embroidered dress shirt that hangs down so low on one shoulder that we can see the ripples in his pecs. The burlesque lad reclines in the seat with one arm, swimming in his white dress shirt, over the back of the stool. His blue-green eyes are fixated on the breasts of the tousled blonde hair of the girl sitting across from him.
The woman's bronze skin contrasted her glistening pink lips and white blouse as she sat upright, leaning forward a little with a set of cue cards in her hand. The woman's mascara-drenched eyelashes batted as a ditsy, overambitious look on her face seemed to be the paragon of her attitude. Clad to her lapel of her denim jacket was a name tag that read "Janelle Skye", marking her as the breakthrough news correspondent. Raising a microphone to her perky lips, she speaks in a soft tone while bringing her attention to the nearby camera...
Janelle Skye:
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Janelle Skye and I've been given the privilege of being the first news correspondent of Full Throttle Wrestling to give an interview to the one who calls himself 'magnificent', Ripplemagne! In fact, I was specifically requested! I'm so excited!"
Practically bouncing in her seat, she doesn't seem to notice the lustful lips of Ripplemagne pucker as his arm that dangles down over the side of the stool raises a microphone to his own mouth.
Ripplemagne:
"Pip pip da doodly doo. And what a fine interview it will be. You see, my lovely, adoring fans -- the stunning Janelle Skye has been granted the rare opportunity to interview the Patriarch of Pretty in a no holds barred fashion. That means that any question you, the winrar fans, have rearing on your teddy bear craniums... will be dealt with in the here and now. Now, without further ado, play that funky music, white girl."
Janelle Skye:
"In your short time here, you've managed to draw the eyes of a number of people. It seems that in only two matches in, you're already building quite a reputation through your theatrics. It seems that even your stable mate, Chris Cage, is wary of this and has claimed that you may be using ties and backstage politics to build yourself up."
Ripplemagne:
"It should be noted that not all of the 8-Bit Theater members see eye to eye. In fact, most probably do not. The majority of us align through the necessity of security. A single fresh face is dispensable and an easy target for some hothead mamaluke like Damon Synn to ambush and try to make an 'example' out of them. However, someone like that will think twice about such a tactic when they know that the consequences of such is being strung up by their balls by guys like Bucky Skyler, Shane Tallin, et cetera, et cetera.
That being said, I've never been on the good side of backstage politics. My stablemates, of all people, should be aware of that. Much like in my last promotion, my success is predicated on my charisma. In the ring, I get the job done and I get it done right. Out of the ring, me simply allowing my personality to pervade is enough to draw droves of fan support and the layers of my mind keeps me ten steps ahead of the game."
Janelle Skye:
"Is that why you are the leader of 8-Bit Theater? To stay ten steps ahead of the game?"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, the first thing you have to realize is that there's no 'leader' of 8-Bit Theater. We work as individual units of a conglomerate, which... inevitably, makes us all the more dangerous. Many assume because I've acted as the spokesman of 8-Bit Theater and organized it that I'm the Shao Khan of it all, but a guy like Shane Tallin would never take orders from me as entertaining as the results might be."
Janelle Skye:
"I see. So, what are your plans then? What exactly motivates you to do this?"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, for some guys in the back, the ultimate goal is glory. Championships. Wealth. Fame. All of those things are easily within my reach, wrestling or not. To put it as succinctly as possible though, I am the antithesis of James Magnum.
Guys like James Magnum are here to win every match they're in. I, on the other hand, am here to lose. Albeit, I've yet to be soundly defeated and take a great deal of measurable pride in this -- that's not why I compete. The taste of legitimate defeat is a stinging sensation. It throbs and runs its course like the zesty sensation you get when you down a jalapeno. For many, such a sensation causes grief and frustration, but for me, it's a reminder that I'm alive. Every sensation is its own indicator of such a thing and gives me the rush and fire I need to grow. All in all, defeat is the driving force of success."
Janelle Skye:
"I don't understand."
Ripplemagne:
"Have you ever met someone you thought was very intelligent? They seem to know how to use their tongue as a finely crafted zweihander to rend the flesh of their adversaries?"
Janelle Skye:
"I... guess so?"
Ripplemagne:
"Make no mistake. These individuals are the individuals who have sustained the most thorough defeats among us all. They've learned to adapt to the circumstances of defeat and even combat it. Ensure that it's purged from their lives because, as General Patton said, they 'will not tolerate a loser'. But as an individual fortifies themselves, they grow in such a way that they need to be showed. Showed that they still have holes that need to be patched. And through learning that, they learn to adapt and grow even more."
Janelle Skye:
"Before you said that you've never been legitimately defeated. But you were pinned by Eden Black in the Six Man Scramble Match that just passed."
Ripplemagne:
"Hence the word 'legitimate'."
Janelle Skye:
"Are you saying that you weren't legitimately pinned?"
Ripplemagne:
"Have you not been paying attention? I had no intention of winning the Six Man Scramble. Truth be told, I planned to prop up a chair and watch the match outside the ring, but management threatened me with contact termination if I didn't compete. So... I did what any top caliber athlete would do when facing a board of incompetent butt plugs. First, I ensured that my stablemate left the ring with his contract in hand and then I threw my arms around and pretended to do something until someone made the pin. And from there, all I had to do was sit and do nothing."
Janelle Skye:
"So... you let Eden Black pin you and ruined the sanctity of the match and blemished your wrestling record just because management told you to compete?"
Ripplemagne:
"Precisely. If I'm going to be thrown in a match that I don't want to be in and then told how to fight it, then naturally, I'm going to follow suit. But in the process, I'm going to shit and piss all over the sanctity of the match. Special delivery of two shit balls to the cafones backstage."
Janelle Skye:
"But... I still don't understand. If you want to be legitimately defeated, why didn't you try to win the Six Man Scramble and face off against Haze?"
Ripplemagne:
"And if I had defeated Haze? What am I to learn by being given a pass to the top? In a month, I'll be the tender age of twenty for this profession. I haven't worked developmental territories and indies like many of the others here have. Fine tuning my style has come out of the ring for me, yet when I get in the ring, I'm viewed as one of the most threatening forces in the match. I haven't earned my stripes and, to be quite frank, I don't deserve such an opportunity.
If I were to have won the Scramble and then gone on to hold the World Heavyweight Championship, then I'm in the same predicament... only with more attention. And if I were to lose to William Haze, it wouldn't sate my passion. A rookie going into a match against a champion without the experience of the previous divisions will learn nothing from their defeat. If you ask me, there's more exhilaration in a small country beating a diametrically comparable small country rather than a big country beating a considerably petite country or vice versa.
I've been in the ring with James Magnum when he was the man and I was the rookie. It was a match that I went on to win alongside Bucky Skyler. But the match I learned the most from was against a debuting superstar when I was a rookie. His name was Tommy Rogue and even though I won the match, I could taste the zest of that match long after it was over.
To answer your original question, my motivation is found in two very simple concepts. Competition... and having fun."
Janelle Skye:
"I see. And how did you get into wrestling anyway?"
Ripplemagne:
"My... former tag team partner, Chris 'The Tang' Winters had considerable fame in a number of independent circuits. A reunion tour for a company called 'Action Wrestling League' was running for six weeks and as an alumni, he was participating. Having sparred with me a number of times, he offered to put in a good word for me and before I knew it, I was getting propositions from a number of big name companies.
Imagine me; barely 18 and struggling to finish up his last year of High School and I was taking that ring by storm with no prior experience under my belt. After a few matches in the reunion tour, a number of scouts from different organizations wanted to sign me and I found myself competing with Chris Cage in some rag tag operation that went under as soon as him and I walked out the door. Then after that, The Tang and I formed Matinée ex Machina and were considered a thoroughly unbeatable tag team.
In our fame, we each took on singles careers. Winters kind of fizzled out and was essentially the Jannetty of the team. But me? I had the world by the balls and as the champion of the lowest division in the organization, I commanded twice as much attention as every other champion."
Janelle Skye:
"Impressive."
Ripplemagne:
"Yeah. I'm pretty awesome."
Janelle Skye:
"This next question is a popular one. What exactly does your name mean?"
Ripplemagne:
"Ah, yes. My name. To this day, a number of people still mispronounce it as 'rip-uhl-mahg-nee' or some other derivative, when it's been pronounced 'rip-leh-mayn' quite frequently. But to those of you familiar with Charlemagne, his name translates to 'Charles the Great'. Ergo, it's simple to deduce that the latter part of my name translates to 'the great'. The prefix of that, however, is pretty simple..."
Raising his shirt, Ripplemagne displays his washboard abs, waving his hand to them as if to say 'behold'. It seems Janelle gets a little entranced by them as Ripplemagne snaps his fingers to get her attention...
Janelle Skye:
"Oh, um. Yes, next question. You've displayed a rather eccentric and hyperactive personality in the past. My next question is: Where does that all stem from?"
Ripplemagne:
"Where does it stem from? It's my personality. I'm not one of the archetypes of professional wrestling; I don't have a deep, dark tragic past or a gloomy personality, where I try to show everyone how tough and crazy I am. I don't waste your time with meaningless promos where I see how many ways I can mispronounce my opponent of the week's name to make it sound bad. I don't hate society, I'm not interested in telling everyone how hard my life has been, I don't have a lover who has scorned me and ruined me for all future relationships, I had a rather lovely household raised by an absolutely wonderful mother who tried to give me every opportunity she could, I don't have a one-dimensional personality where my behavior and attitude is the same twenty-four and seven, I'm not a rich snob with a private jet and an endless list of championships that I've won in the past."
At this point, Janelle seemed absolutely fascinated and couldn't wait to ask the next question.
Janelle Skye:
"In your last promotion, you faced off against a man named Oliver Creed before you were banned from competing. The two of you had a rather lengthy religious debate, in which the majority believe you won. What exactly are your religious beliefs?"
Ripplemagne:
"Haha. Well, that question is not as easy to answer as it seems. To those who have studied theological history, you're familiar with the early Christian sects such as the Ebionites, the Nazarenes, the Gnostics, the Marcionites, et cetera, et cetera. I consider myself an unorthodox Nazarene. What this means is that my beliefs coincide with those of the twelve apostles -- who were the foundation of the Nazarene Church, negating Markan, Lukan and Pauline sources."
There was a pause as Janelle seemed to be utterly stupefied by whatever the Hell Ripplemagne just said. It was like explaining quantum mechanics to a five year old at this point.
Janelle Skye:
"Oh... uh... cool. You're very smart. How come you don't use that to your advantage instead of clowning around?"
Ripplemagne:
"Maybe clowning around is part of the way I use it to my advantage? You see, as I said before, all of this flexing and such is not my scene. It comes as a surprise to many people when they find out that I'm quite well read. I suppose they're used to pseudo-intellectual showboaters, who use every opportunity they can to show everyone how smart and deep and educated and sophisticated and betterer than you they are."
Janelle Skye:
"So, I'm curious now. Do you have any political views?"
Ripplemagne:
"I'm actually a moderate Libertarian and an avid Tea Party supporter. I'm hoping to attend the Restoring Honor rally on the Lincoln Memorial on August 28. My beliefs are rooted in freedom and the Constitution of the United States of America. I realize a number of people are probably going to ostracize me for these beliefs and yes, I am a fan of Glenn Beck. A big fan."
And again, Janelle seems lost.
Janelle Skye:
"So, um... are you a Republican or a Democrat?"
Ripplemagne:
"...Neither. I'm fiscally conservative and civilly liberal."
Janelle Skye:
"Which means...?"
Ripplemagne:
"Which means I'm for lower taxes, smaller government, gun rights and the legalization of certain drugs, prostitution, loan sharking and gambling. And against health care reform, censorship, various forms of government subsidies, and all that Father Knows Best stuff that we've grown to depend on oh-so plentifully."
Janelle Skye:
"Hm... I may be putting you on a cross here, but what do you think about gay marriage?"
Ripplemagne:
"Hahaha. No, no. No worries. I'm not a fundamentalist. My belief on the subject is that marriage is a private contract and should yield no government benefits regardless of gender. Let the faggot tree ensue."
Janelle Skye:
"So... are you um... y'know..."
Ripplemagne:
"Gay? No. I'm quite fond of the snatch. Which reminds me, I feel compelled to point out that I am quite interested in discovering what lies inside Pandora's... hehe... 'box'."
Janelle Skye:
"Before, you said you were in favor of the legalization of drugs. Which drugs and I'm sure the question on everyone's mind is: Which ones are you doing?"
Ripplemagne:
"Believe it or not, I'm quite straight edge. Won't even drink alcohol -- which I believe is actually one of the worst drugs -- or even caffeine. But I'm in favor of the legalization of prostitution, loan sharking and gambling as well and none of them are activities I would necessarily partake in. As for legalization, being that salvia is legal in most U.S. states, it stands to reason that LSD should be as well. Though, I do believe that education programs should be in place to minimize the potential psychological damage of a bad trip. Naturally, I'm in favor of the legalization of marijuana as well. As for others, I'm on the fence about it, but the legal drinking age should certainly be lowered to 18. If I'm legal enough to die via a bullet in Afghanistan, then I'm old enough to die via my liver exploding from being a drunken, college moron."
Janelle Skye:
"And on a lighter note. Music?"
Ripplemagne:
"I like a little bit of everything. From Eminem to Bon Jovi to Avenged Sevenfold and all the way to Louis Armstrong and Gloria Gaynor. I had my metal head phase, but then I grew up and learned that introjecting with music is kind of silly. Still, my favorite band to this day is Metallica."
Janelle Skye:
"And back to wrestling. In the moments leading up to the Six Man Scramble at Outrage, your opponents seemed to have a great deal to say about you. However, some have raised concern that you don't spend enough time addressing your opponents, allowing them to one up you in the battlefield of ideas."
Ripplemagne:
"Ha. Mon amie, the Ripplemagne has proven time and time again that he can roll with the best in a tit for tat debate. Some of the best minds in our business have fallen in heaps at my feet. Rurik Krychek, a man who prides himself on being able to outsmart anyone, was left utterly speechless and crippled when I was still a wee tenderfoot. Oliver Creed, whom you mentioned earlier, expected to dash me across the neck with theological prowess like he had done to all of his other victims up until that point. There was nothing left of him by the time he had finished debating with me.
Realistically, my silence in regards to people like Peisnoe speaks more volumes than my words ever could. Well, maybe not more, but certainly enough.
To those of you who are new to what Your Feature Presentation entails, we are not a soapbox show. I discussed this in episode XXIV of Season 1 some time ago; an episode you will be redirected to at the end of this edition."
Janelle Skye:
"So, you have nothing to say about any of your opponents from Outrage?"
Ripplemagne:
"Nope."
Janelle Skye:
"Well, this week, you're facing off against Ace Centric. Any thoughts?"
Ripplemagne:
"I believe I made my views on Ace very clear in my first promo. I hope the kid can give me the competition I seek, but to be quite honest, I don't hold out much hope."
Janelle Skye:
"I'm also curious about one more thing that seems to be on everyone's mind. Who else can we expect to see in the 8-Bit Theater stable?"
Ripplemagne:
"Well, The Fire Ant was recently announced as the newest member along with her manager, Lina Zalizati. A few others have been contacted and shall be debuting in the upcoming weeks under the 8-Bit Theater banner. I can't reveal them just yet, but what I can say is that there are only four individuals who I would like to be a part of 8-Bit Theater, but have not been contacted about joining as of now. The first is my former stable mate, Dwight Mare.
The second is a man known as Arata Tanaka, whom I have not had the honor of facing as of today. The third, a good friend of mine and a legend in her own rite; her name is Baby Dogg. And the last would be none other than James Magnum."
Janelle Skye:
"What? James Magnum? Why is that?"
Ripplemagne:
"I think this interview has about run its course. Now, it's time for me to get to know you."
Janelle Skye:
"Me? What about me?"
Ripplemagne:
"Ya ever see the inside of a movie star's trailer?"
Shaking her head with a curious innocence, Janelle rose from her chair as Ripplemagne snaked out of his and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. The two began to walk off as Ripplemagne turned to the camera and winked with a thumbs up...
Ripplemagne:
"Oh yeah. Best believe it."
* * *
Fin.
XXIV. A Ripplemagne Shoot
* * *
