BREAKING NEWS: We Got Him.
* * *
Ragged Old Flag.
* * *
And now, for your feature presentation...
* * *
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
They basked the stage in jingoistic drums of red, white and blue confetti and streamers. The influx of American pride swelled the hearts of Patriot of Pretty as he gathered before his makeshift podium, constructed from a few flimsy crates nailed together. The flight to South Africa hadn't departed yet and Ripplemagne was, with his compatriots, lavishing in the star spangled success story of the U.S. military.
Times Square, New York, New York, U.S.A.
The believers chirped and cheered around the magnificent Ripplemagne as he adjusted his Yankee Doodle top hat and Gurren shades. Dressed in full Patriot of Pretty swag, the young man had a command of the young people around him with riveting presence. The partiers and patriots were pepped for precision as the young outbreak of a superstar pointed his white gloved hand to the camera with a sly grin.
Ripplemagne:
"Magnum, hold the camera straight. De Magne don't wanna be havin' his pretty all lopsided and shit."
The camera straightens out as Ripplemagne clears his throat and steps to his bootlegged-ass podium.
Ripplemagne:
"Ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. My fellow compatriots, I ask you to join me in a gleeful, jubilant and utterly jingoistic display of patriotic zeal as we relish in the fine words that have circulated the air waves."
The crowd simmers down as Ripplemagne pauses and takes a breath of fine air, soaking in the moment.
Ripplemagne:
"We got 'im!"
Just as they simmer down, the crowd comes to life again with explosive pride that nearly cuts off the audio of the feed.
Ripplemagne:
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen. The inbred Tusken Raider of the goon dunes got his shit snee snashed by an American soldier and we -- or uh... me -- at Your Feature Presentation am breaking the story with the first in-action video of the incident here in Times Square!"
The people rumble as Ripplemagne grins and licks his lips with great pride and assurance.
Ripplemagne:
"But before I begin, I, along with every rational American and member of the Faith Freedom movement, wish to deliver at our little press conference an official -- and accurate -- mission complete. And note that, despite President Obama's seething ignorance, Osama bin Laden was, indeed, a Muslim. As evidenced by his Islamic ritual of a funeral... which we felt was necessary instead of using pork grease as embalming fluid and a shroud of extra crisp bacon for some reason.
The evidence Mr. Osam-- er... sorry, Mr. Obama... claims as evidence for his apparently kafirdom is that bin Laden killed Muslims as well as non-Muslims. This, however, is a blatant ignoration of the fact that the Qu'ran and Hadith approves of such killing. Mr. Obama, if you cannot accept that we are at war with real and legitimate Islam -- not necessarily every Muslim -- you have already lost. On behalf of the American people, I humbly request that you stop being such a politically correct, pinko pussycunt. Clearly cozying up to Islamic nations like Pakistan while shafting legit allies like Israel and Britain is not going to nab us anymore terrorists.
That being said, despite you being an arrogant prick about it in your speech, I, along with the American people would like to thank you for creating the conditions for our boys to fuck this nigga's shit up. Seriously, though? You heard this bitch-ass, dick-surfeiting cum slushie got shot right through the eye and shit. Mint."
The confetti flies over Ripplemagne's head from the hands of those behind him as the young man points to the sky above with his index finger raised.
Ripplemagne:
"And a friendly notice to the conspiracy theorists out there who are trying to rain gray on this red white and blue parade, y'all niggas is hatin'. There are 365 days in a year; shit is bound to go down on at least one of them. The American Founders, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, died on the same day -- July 4, the anniversary of the day they signed the Declaration of Independence. Five years later, James Madison died on the same day. Conspiracy?
No. Suck a dick.
Now, without further ado, the magnificent Ripplemagne presents to you... on-scene footage of Osama bin Laden's ganking!"
* * *
In the overhead jumbotron of Times Square begins what appears to be a shot of Ripplemagne dressed up like John Rambo. The low budget nature of the shot makes for a resounding novelty as the young man deepens his voice when he speaks, but it's very obviously still him.
Rambomagne:
"Tango spotted. I'm going in."
The young man zips off like a cheetah and charges at the heavy metal door and throws a flying kick right into it... but it doesn't budge. There's a whisper behind the camera from someone who sounds like James Magnum saying that the door is open already. Taking the cue, Ripplemagne swings it open as the scene changes to...
Ripplemagne dressed as Osama bin Laden. In the subsequent scene, the camera focuses on only one Ripplemagne at a time while they speak.
Osama bin Magnedin:
"Haha! You American jerks will never take me alive! Haha!"
Rambomagne:
"Good."
Osama bin Magnedin:
"Eat lead, scum who believes women have voting rights!"
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.
With a toy AK-47, "Osama" begins to fire at the camera. The feed switches over to "Rambo", who blocks projectile sunflower seeds with his fists and lunges forward out of the camera's sight.
Osama bin Magnedin:
"It's ineffective?!"
The scene then switches to "Rambo" punching out a dummy dressed up like Osama bin Laden and the dummy falling apart with the head rolling off far too easily.
Rambomagne:
"AMERICA. FUCK YEAH."
The scene switches over to "Osama" on the ground with a rather good makeup job to make his face look swollen.
Osama bin Magnedin:
"What are you made of?!"
In a cheesy, hands on hips monologue, Rambomagne puffs his chest...
Rambomagne:
"I am the embodiment of every living American dreaming for a better future. I am truth, justice and the American way. I amthe purveyor of freedom. I am every man, woman and child who has died at your greasy little paws. But most of all, I am an American tax payer and Osama? You've just been ass fucked by the splintery shaft... OF JUSTICE!"
Ending with a very cheesy, masculine laugh and Rambomagne curb stomping the Osama bin Laden dummy, the feed ends.
* * *
Ripplemagne:
"So, remember kids. Eat your vitamins, say your prayers and you too can kick Osama bin Laden's punk ass one day. Believe it!"
* * *
Ragged Old Flag.
* * *
And now, for your feature presentation...
* * *
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
They basked the stage in jingoistic drums of red, white and blue confetti and streamers. The influx of American pride swelled the hearts of Patriot of Pretty as he gathered before his makeshift podium, constructed from a few flimsy crates nailed together. The flight to South Africa hadn't departed yet and Ripplemagne was, with his compatriots, lavishing in the star spangled success story of the U.S. military.
Times Square, New York, New York, U.S.A.
The believers chirped and cheered around the magnificent Ripplemagne as he adjusted his Yankee Doodle top hat and Gurren shades. Dressed in full Patriot of Pretty swag, the young man had a command of the young people around him with riveting presence. The partiers and patriots were pepped for precision as the young outbreak of a superstar pointed his white gloved hand to the camera with a sly grin.
Ripplemagne:
"Magnum, hold the camera straight. De Magne don't wanna be havin' his pretty all lopsided and shit."
The camera straightens out as Ripplemagne clears his throat and steps to his bootlegged-ass podium.
Ripplemagne:
"Ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. My fellow compatriots, I ask you to join me in a gleeful, jubilant and utterly jingoistic display of patriotic zeal as we relish in the fine words that have circulated the air waves."
The crowd simmers down as Ripplemagne pauses and takes a breath of fine air, soaking in the moment.
Ripplemagne:
"We got 'im!"
Just as they simmer down, the crowd comes to life again with explosive pride that nearly cuts off the audio of the feed.
Ripplemagne:
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen. The inbred Tusken Raider of the goon dunes got his shit snee snashed by an American soldier and we -- or uh... me -- at Your Feature Presentation am breaking the story with the first in-action video of the incident here in Times Square!"
The people rumble as Ripplemagne grins and licks his lips with great pride and assurance.
Ripplemagne:
"But before I begin, I, along with every rational American and member of the Faith Freedom movement, wish to deliver at our little press conference an official -- and accurate -- mission complete. And note that, despite President Obama's seething ignorance, Osama bin Laden was, indeed, a Muslim. As evidenced by his Islamic ritual of a funeral... which we felt was necessary instead of using pork grease as embalming fluid and a shroud of extra crisp bacon for some reason.
The evidence Mr. Osam-- er... sorry, Mr. Obama... claims as evidence for his apparently kafirdom is that bin Laden killed Muslims as well as non-Muslims. This, however, is a blatant ignoration of the fact that the Qu'ran and Hadith approves of such killing. Mr. Obama, if you cannot accept that we are at war with real and legitimate Islam -- not necessarily every Muslim -- you have already lost. On behalf of the American people, I humbly request that you stop being such a politically correct, pinko pussycunt. Clearly cozying up to Islamic nations like Pakistan while shafting legit allies like Israel and Britain is not going to nab us anymore terrorists.
That being said, despite you being an arrogant prick about it in your speech, I, along with the American people would like to thank you for creating the conditions for our boys to fuck this nigga's shit up. Seriously, though? You heard this bitch-ass, dick-surfeiting cum slushie got shot right through the eye and shit. Mint."
The confetti flies over Ripplemagne's head from the hands of those behind him as the young man points to the sky above with his index finger raised.
Ripplemagne:
"And a friendly notice to the conspiracy theorists out there who are trying to rain gray on this red white and blue parade, y'all niggas is hatin'. There are 365 days in a year; shit is bound to go down on at least one of them. The American Founders, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, died on the same day -- July 4, the anniversary of the day they signed the Declaration of Independence. Five years later, James Madison died on the same day. Conspiracy?
No. Suck a dick.
Now, without further ado, the magnificent Ripplemagne presents to you... on-scene footage of Osama bin Laden's ganking!"
* * *
In the overhead jumbotron of Times Square begins what appears to be a shot of Ripplemagne dressed up like John Rambo. The low budget nature of the shot makes for a resounding novelty as the young man deepens his voice when he speaks, but it's very obviously still him.
Rambomagne:
"Tango spotted. I'm going in."
The young man zips off like a cheetah and charges at the heavy metal door and throws a flying kick right into it... but it doesn't budge. There's a whisper behind the camera from someone who sounds like James Magnum saying that the door is open already. Taking the cue, Ripplemagne swings it open as the scene changes to...
Ripplemagne dressed as Osama bin Laden. In the subsequent scene, the camera focuses on only one Ripplemagne at a time while they speak.
Osama bin Magnedin:
"Haha! You American jerks will never take me alive! Haha!"
Rambomagne:
"Good."
Osama bin Magnedin:
"Eat lead, scum who believes women have voting rights!"
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.
With a toy AK-47, "Osama" begins to fire at the camera. The feed switches over to "Rambo", who blocks projectile sunflower seeds with his fists and lunges forward out of the camera's sight.
Osama bin Magnedin:
"It's ineffective?!"
The scene then switches to "Rambo" punching out a dummy dressed up like Osama bin Laden and the dummy falling apart with the head rolling off far too easily.
Rambomagne:
"AMERICA. FUCK YEAH."
The scene switches over to "Osama" on the ground with a rather good makeup job to make his face look swollen.
Osama bin Magnedin:
"What are you made of?!"
In a cheesy, hands on hips monologue, Rambomagne puffs his chest...
Rambomagne:
"I am the embodiment of every living American dreaming for a better future. I am truth, justice and the American way. I amthe purveyor of freedom. I am every man, woman and child who has died at your greasy little paws. But most of all, I am an American tax payer and Osama? You've just been ass fucked by the splintery shaft... OF JUSTICE!"
Ending with a very cheesy, masculine laugh and Rambomagne curb stomping the Osama bin Laden dummy, the feed ends.
* * *
Ripplemagne:
"So, remember kids. Eat your vitamins, say your prayers and you too can kick Osama bin Laden's punk ass one day. Believe it!"
* * *
